God’s position on the continued worthiness of the human race is heaven’s official position and Satan’s call for “mass destruction, slaughter, torture and – time permitting - some pillage” is simply the horned one’s personal point of view, the Prince of Darkness’ spokesdemon said on Wednesday.
Despite being banished from paradise at the dawn of time, Satan is widely believed to continue to play a major role in celestial policy formation, and his comments to imps at a pitchfork factory in western Hell on Monday caused a stir in both heavenly and earthly circles. Centuries of increasingly brutal wars and current widespread unrest in the Middle East have led to speculation among paradiselogists that God may be reviewing his so-called – and long-standing - “Earth Policy.”
“The end of the planet is almost here,” Satan raged, tiny nightmarish visions surfing into existence on the flames spurting from his mouth. “Apocalypse now!”
God, while not mentioning Satan by name, later told journalists at a hastily arranged Gates of Paradise news briefing that it was inadmissible to use expressions such as “apocalypse.”
“Such terms as apocalypse are unacceptable in as much as they do nothing to further the continued and total belief in the validity - on an entirely legal and moral basis - of the prolonged existence of the human race,” God, wearing a fur-lined black leather jacket adored with the words “Supreme Being”, said. “Modernization, rather than all-out destruction, is the key element here for humanity.”
When asked by reporters why then evil and suffering existed in the world, God declined to comment, saying only “I move in mysterious ways.”
A spokesdemon for Satan was quick to dismiss rumours that Lucifer’s outburst signaled a change of direction and that God was about to make a dramatic U-turn on his millennium-old love for the human race.
“Satan – who is when we get down to it a very evil guy - was simply speaking for himself,” an unnamable and abominable creature from depths of the bottomless pit said in a statement.
“Heaven has a leader and he is God and we all adhere to his position. He is, after all, the Creator. And he loves you all so much… Really,” he went on, adding “eye gouging.”
Satan - currently on an official visit to in Libya – is widely rumoured to be considering a move for the top job in heaven.
Vladimir Putin and Dmitry Medvedev were unavailable for comment.
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