Here’s something else I don’t want- a $1000 DONATION TO BARACK OBAMA MADE IN MY NAME. As this somewhat psychedelic online begging form says:
“This holiday season, we're giving you a chance to have a little fun at the expense of a Republican in your life by letting them know they inspired you to make a donation to the Obama campaign. Simply enter their name and email address below. Then, we'll send them a message letting them know they inspired you to donate. (Don't worry—we won't hold on to any of their information.)”
As it is, I am not a Republican- I reject the terms “right” and “left” and can’t even vote, and so am not the target of this prank. But even so, is it wise for the leader of the free world to seek to increase the levels of antagonism during the festive season, when families are gathered together and already annoying each other quite enough already? No. Is it astonishingly puerile? Yes.
What else is there? Well I don’t want FORBIDDEN ECSTACY the latest fragrance from Calvin Klein. I’m happy with my own odor, thank you very much. Also, I’m a man.
Meanwhile I absolutely, positively, definitely don’t want any SOUVENIR MERCHANDISE FROM THE 2012 LONDON OLYMPICS. Many things in the UK are exceedingly mediocre – ranging from our public services, to our TV, our government and beyond. But one area in which we usually do quite well is design. For instance, I can unequivocally state that Britain has the best freezer meal packaging in the world. In America they’ll slap a picture of a burger on the box. In Britain your shrink wrapped microwaveable Thai curry will announce itself with such wonderful colors and so beautiful a typeface you’ll be tempted to frame it. Yep, we do good freezer meal boxes.
The design of the London Olympics however has been a travesty from start to finish. The grotesque graffiti style logo inspired universal ridicule. The games’ mascots meanwhile are a bland lion and some bizarre one eyed aliens named Wenlock and Mandeville. Needless to say, it is all overpriced and ugly. Q: Why did it have to be so bad? A: Because morons are in charge. Just like the IOC itself, really.
Lastly, I definitely don’t want a baby mammoth. As I reported two weeks ago, scientists in Russia and Japan are on the verge of reintroducing big, hairy elephants to the planet after they disappeared 10,000 years ago. I don’t think they’ve done it yet, but I know I don’t want one. They’re kind of cute at first, but they cost a lot to feed, and make a hell of a mess.
On the other hand, I am keen on gold bullion. So if you’ve got any lying around, feel free to send it to Daniel Kalder c/o RIA Novosti, #4 Zubovsky Boulevard, Moscow, 119021. I’ll even post you a nice thank you card.
Merry Christmas!
The views expressed in this article are the author’s and may not necessarily represent those of RIA Novosti.
Transmission from a lone star: Wind of Change
Transmission from a lone star: Cloning the mammoth
Transmission from a lone star: Attack of the Little Satan
Transmission from a lone star: American poverty
Transmission from a lone star: Surprised by fame
Transmission from a lone star: Climbing inside the horse, or: the uses of animals
Transmission from a lone star: New Sensations
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Mr. Gorbachev goes to Mexico
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Bourgeois kids of the world unite!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Operation Fast and Furious: a very baffling scandal
Transmissions from a Lone Star: After the fire, or How the Chihuahua was spared
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Cherokees versus African Americans in the 21st century
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Why Solzhenitsyn still matters
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Waiting to burn
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Colonel Gaddafi’s Conan the Barbarian moment
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Faith in helicopters
Transmissions from a Lone Star: American election watch, Part II – the cowboy cometh!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: When fools go to war
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Living in a natural disaster area
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Will America go into default?
Transmissions from a Lone Star: My local mega mosque
Transmissions from a Lone Star: July 4th, Russian Style
Transmissions from a Lone Star: On rock stars, slaves and free men
Transmissions from a Lone Star: The Sound of silence
Transmissions from a Lone Star: These days I get my truth from the tabloids
Transmissions from a Lone Star: American election watch, part 1
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Of Chukchi and Irishmen
Transmissions from a Lone Star: How I slayed the serpent
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Osama bin Laden, the great unifier
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Bury my heart on Nameless Road
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Party of the damned
Transmissions from a Lone Star: R.I.P. Yury Gagarin, long live the Russian space program!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Freedom of speech and cosmic stupidity
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Why I am immune to Royal Wedding fever
Transmissions from a Lone Star: My life of crime
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Russian pop acts abroad with stars in their eyes
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Overnight sensations
Transmissions from a Lone Planet: Let a thousand concealed handguns bloom
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Robocop Forever!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Life During Wartime
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Ice storms, snowfall and the last man on Earth
Transmissions from a Lone Star: A Brief Encounter with Holy Death
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Ancient wisdom of the Apache
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Transmissions from a Lone Star: Things Coca-Cola has taught me
Transmissions from a Lone Star: The Ghost in the Rage Machine
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Parallel Lives. Russian literature at home and abroad
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Is America becoming more Texan?
Transmissions from a Lone Star: For instant Christmas spirit, blow here
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Finding magic in everyday places
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Everything was forever until it was no more
Transmissions from a Lone Star: The city and the country
Transmissions from a Lone Star: God and germs are everywhere
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Whatever happened to the Fort Hood shooter?
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Post-election psychosis American style!
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Messiah Time - Apocalypse in Russian-American Politics
Transmissions from a Lone Star: Border Blues
What does the world look like to a man stranded deep in the heart of Texas? Each week, Austin- based author Daniel Kalder writes about America, Russia and beyond from his position as an outsider inside the woefully - and willfully - misunderstood state he calls “the third cultural and economic center of the USA.”
Daniel Kalder is a Scotsman who lived in Russia for a decade before moving to Texas in 2006. He is the author of two books, Lost Cosmonaut (2006) and Strange Telescopes (2008), and writes for numerous publications including The Guardian, The Observer, The Times of London and The Spectator.
