Sputnik deciphered some choice quotes from his press conference Thursday:
"In many respects the program was uncharted territory for the CIA, and we were unprepared.”
Read: It was just after 9/11 and we were all scared crapless. I know you all watch James Bond and expect us to act suave and wear Herringbone suits while engaging in gun fights with former Soviet kingpins, but the reality is we have no idea what we’re doing. Despite the fact that we have the most powerful military in the world — by far — and spend lavishly on intelligence programs, we’re really just a bunch of boys with grand Hollywood delusions, so when something like 9/11 happens, we freak out and do stupid things.
Hey, you would, too, so give us a break.
“I consider them [the tactics] abhorrent.”
Read: Here’s a partial list of the “abhorrent” things we did.
1. Waterboarded someone until he was unconscious and foam came from his mouth.
2. Let someone shackled to the ceiling nude freeze to death.
3. Shoved a detainee’s lunch up his rectum.
4. Deprived detainees of sleep for more than a week.
5. Tortured detainees until they had total psychological breakdowns, for which we didn’t provide any medical help.
6. Tortured those detainees some more.
7. Let wounded detainees suffer from their injuries while we interrogated them.
“Our nation and in particular this agency did a lot of things right during this difficult time to keep this country strong and secured.”
Read: It’s not like we tortured everybody. There were people we didn’t torture. Some of those people actually gave us good information. Of course, we didn’t use it because we didn’t believe that intelligence gathered from a non-tortured source could really be reliable. So we passed on that, and pulled out the shackles and waterboarding tools.
Wait, was that one of the things we did “right?” Now I’m just lost.
“We have not concluded that it was the EITs [torture] within that program that allowed us to obtain useful information from the detainees subjected to them.”
Read: The torture report was right. We tortured people literally to death, expecting them to give us useful intelligence. Maybe they would give it to us after they were dead. Or maybe it was while they were hallucinating after all that sleep deprivation. Or while foam was coming out of their mouths. Or after they had a psychological breakdown. I mean, what would have made us doubt we could get solid intelligence?
It seemed like a good idea at the time.
"It is our considered view that the detainees who were subjected to enhanced interrogation techniques provided information that was useful and was used in the ultimate operation to go against Bin Laden.”
Read: I’m now just going to argue with myself and claim the opposite of what I just said. The report suggests that interrogators got the information about Bin Laden’s location through means other than torture, but it would make everyone really happy if a tortured detainee had given that information because everyone hated Bin Laden, and that alone would make torture worth it in the eyes of the public. So let me repeat: Bin Laden. Bin Laden. Bin Laden.
Don’t you feel better about us already?
"I think there's been more than enough transparency that's happened over the last couple days. I think it's over the top."
Read: We lied to Congress, we lied to the White House, and we lied to the public. We tried our best to keep everything classified. Now that all this is out in the open, of course, it’s transparency “over the top.”
And I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.
“Reading this report from the Committee raises serious questions about the information that I was given at the time, and the impression I had at the time.”
Read: I’m actually lying to you right now and you know it. You already know I had a hand in the torture program when I was but a mid-level intelligence professional but, you know, since we keep things classified and since I’m the director now, I can do that whole “see no evil” dance and blame other people.
“I wish the committee took the opportunity to ask CIA officers who were involved in the program at the time, ‘what were you thinking? What did you consider?’”
Read: I really wish you had given us the opportunity to deny, deny, deny and obfuscate. I mean I know the committee read, like, millions of documents, such as memos that were generated by the very people in question. But we’re the CIA. We could have convinced you of anything.
We have our ways, you know.
“We have acknowledged these mistakes."
I mean we are, now. Now that we are being forced to by Congress, the media and the public. And they were mistakes. Kind of like the mistake I made talking to you reporters right now. I mean this sucks bad. It’s like being tortured. I would rather be strung up naked and sleepless for a week than talk to you about this.
Wait, is that still an option?
