As most of us know, breaking up with a romantic partner is an exceptionally difficult thing to do. Psychologist Art Aron says this is because we often feel we overlap with the person we are close to. So if we want to get over someone, is it a good idea to banish our former significant other from our thoughts? Go out on the town and have a good time? Or, as Taylor Swift puts it:
My ex-man brought his new girlfriend
She’s like “Oh, my God!” but I’m just gonna shake
And to the fella over there with the hella good hair
Won’t you come on over, baby? We can shake, shake, shake
Ye Shall Shake Not!
Well, hang on just a hot minute, Ms. Swift. New research from the University of Arizona and Northwestern University, published in the journal Social Psychological and Personality Science shows the best way to nurse a broken heart is to reflect on the breakup — not banish your former beloved to the reject pile and never think of them again.
In this study, a group of people who had experienced a non-marital breakup within the previous six months were divided into two groups. One was exposed to a rigorous analysis procedure that forced them to think long and hard about their departed partners. This process included questionnaires, interviews and therapy. By contrast, the second group of participants was asked only to complete a brief survey.
Intensive Therapy Yields Results
The group receiving more intensive therapy was asked to undergo the analysis procedure four times over the course of nine weeks. When they were assessed afterwards by psychologists, the group that reflected harder on their breakups exhibited better mental health and more of a sense of closure over the end of their relationships than participants who were in the questionnaire-only group.
The scientists running the study weren’t surprised. Study participants who were exposed to more extensive therapy fared better in a metric called self-concept reorganization. This is the process by which you disentangle yourself from a former lover and begin to see yourself as a separate entity, ready to take on the world of dating again.
“Our study provides additional evidence that self-concept repair actually causes improvements in well-being,” said author Grace Larson.
One additional component of the therapy that seemed to provide real benefit was having participants talk about their breakups into a voice recorder at least four times. This is a similar process to a technique called expressive writing, which has been shown to have real therapeutic benefit.
Writing Your Own Narrative
More work still needs to be done on what exactly the mechanism is that allows for this type of self-repair in individuals who reflect on the nature of their relationships. The researchers suspect it involves two factors: being able to think about the relationship with some distance between you and the other person, and the ability to craft a narrative in which you are able to recover. By taking more control over your own life you are more able to see yourself as being independent from your former ball and chain.
