"Local alerts from WZZY 98.3 FM regarding a zombie attack and disease outbreak from deceased bodies is a result of the radio station alerting system being hacked," reported the sheriff's office on Facebook.
"There is no local emergency. We have contacted the radio station and notified the Indiana Department of Homeland Security. Again there is no emergency or disease outbreak in Randolph County," they continued, which is exactly what a zombie would say to lull unexpecting Hoosiers into complacency.
Assuming that the sheriff's office remains uncompromised by revenants with a mindless hunger for human flesh, then Randolph County remains in good hands. In an interview with The Star Press, Sheriff Ken Hendrickson said he is confident that he could handle a zombie outbreak. "I'm glad my sons made me watch a couple of episodes of 'The Walking Dead' so I know how to kill them," he said.
An investigation on how the hackers managed to take control of the alert system is ongoing, and now involves federal agencies. Hendrickson did not address rumors that a real undead outbreak has been covered up by the US government.
Fortunately, American agencies are well-prepared for a zombie invasion. The Pentagon has their CONOP 8888 scenario, which instructs US military personnel in fighting everything from zombie wizards, to zombie chickens, to the dreaded zombie vegetarians. The CDC also has an online section detailing zombie preparedness measures. All of this is true. We couldn't make it up.
Indiana residents are reminded to aim for the head when possible.
