January
One centimetre of snow hits Britain and causes widespread travel chaos. Ben Bradshaw MP calls for a ‘judge-led’ special inquiry to investigate Russian government involvement. ‘We don’t know how they did it and we’ve got no evidence that they did do it, but we are absolutely sure they did’ he says.
The Times newspaper backs Bradshaw’s initiative and also publishes 31 articles calling for media regulators to take ‘tough action’ against RT and Sputnik for promulgating ‘fake news’.
February
The banning of the Russian team at the Winter Olympics is not enough for Senator John McCain. He calls for Russia to be banned from all international events, including the World Tiddlywinks Championships and the World Cup of Pipe Smoking.
March
Vladimir Putin is re-elected Russian President. Rachel Maddow claims that there was ‘Russian involvement’ in the Russian electoral process- and as such the results should be annulled with Pussy Riot declared the winners. At the Academy Awards in Hollywood, Bryan Fogel’s Icarus wins Best Documentary Feature. ‘Making a film critical of Russia is just about the bravest thing a documentary film maker can do right now’, declares an emotional Cyril Waugh-Monger, patron of the Senator Joe McCarthy Appreciation Society, as he presents Fogel with his award.
April
Ahead of the 2018 Grand National at Aintree, UK neocons launch a campaign to have the 1949 winner of the famous horse race, Russian Hero, to be disqualified. The Times says that it’s disgraceful that a horse with such a name should be allowed to keep the race. The Henry Jackson Society suggests that the horse should posthumously be renamed ‘Garry Kasparov is a Russian Hero’.
May
Ukraine win the Eurovision Song Contest in Lisbon for the second time in three years with their entry ‘Russians are really bad people’. The song, performed by the Stepan Bandera Quintet, receives no votes from the public, but under a controversial new system, it is awarded the first prize by a special panel of ‘music experts’ from neocon and ‘liberal’ newspapers and NATO Press officers. Russia protests that the song was racist and broke Eurovision rules- but the special panel held that racism against Russians was not subject to the usual prohibitions.
June
Despite a fierce neo-con campaign to get the tournament moved to a ‘more suitable’ NATO country, the football World Cup finals kick off in Russia. Fans from all over the world mingle happily together and there’s dancing in the streets. The Washington Post says that such scenes are ‘utterly disgraceful’. At the G7 summit in Canada, the British Prime Minister urges other members to pledge a ‘very strong response’ to Russian ‘interference’ in ‘western democratic processes’, even though evidence of 'interference' still hasn’t been presented. ‘The Russians need to know that even if there is no evidence of wrongdoing, we will declare them guilty of doing it and punish them accordingly. That’s what distinguishes us from the Russians. Our belief in due process and natural justice’. Mrs May says.
READ MORE: 'Nothing to See Here!' as 'Russiagate' Reveals the 'Wrong' Collusion
July
England fail to win the World Cup for the 13th time since 1966. Football pundit Gary Lineker says it’s due to poor defending and a lack of creativity in midfield, but neocon columnists blame Russia. Ian Austin MP calls for an inquiry into allegations, published in The Sun, that England players were brainwashed by the FSB to give the ball away repeatedly to their opponents. Stories also circulate that eleven beautiful, scantily-dressed Russian women smoking from long cigarette holders were seen sitting at the bar in the England team’s hotel on the night before the crucial quarter-final game. England manager Gareth Southgate however dismisses the ‘honey-trap’ theory. ‘Even if they had been there, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Our lads just can’t score- no matter how easy the opportunity’.
August
Panic spreads as it is reported that a Russian submarine has been spotted in the English Channel. The British Parliament is recalled for a special emergency session in which MPs from all parties demand ‘strong and immediate action’ against Russia. The Sun demands a nuclear first strike.
World War Three is only averted when a news reporter from ‘fake news’ channel RT reveals that the ‘submarine’ was in fact a humpback whale who had lost his way.
September
Anne Applebaum’s new book ‘Why Russia can be blamed for everything bad that has ever happened in history’ receives glowing reviews in all the ‘serious’ newspapers. Cyril Waugh-Monger is so excited that he suffers a minor stroke when he’s filing his review.
October
Neocon newspapers claim that Russia is on the verge of invading Finland and Poland. Satellite pictures are published which appear to show Russian troops moving towards the borders. But a closer inspection reveals the pictures are of bison. When this is pointed out, neocon pundits claim that Russian soldiers are now disguising themselves as bison. Cyril Waugh-Monger known for his mockery of anti-war ‘conspiracy theorists’ warns that Russia could take over the west by using animals, trained by the FSB, as its secret agents. He demands a ban on Russian Blue cats.
November
In the mid-term US elections, the Democrats fails to make the gains many expected. Hillary Clinton blames Russia. Heavy storms bring power cuts across much of the eastern USA. Hillary Clinton blames Russia. People complain that their Thanksgiving turkeys are not as delicious as in previous years. Hillary Clinton blames Russia.
December
Inquiries reveal that Russia did not ‘fix’ the Brexit vote, did not interfere in any meaningful way in the US Presidential election or indeed in any other western elections and was not responsible for the 1cm of snow that hit Britain in January. Ben Bradshaw MP, however is not satisfied and backed by The Times newspaper, leads calls for a new ‘judge-led’ inquiry into the previous inquiries on the grounds that they may have been ‘influenced’ by Russia.
And so the madness continues……
The views and opinions expressed in this article are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect those of Sputnik.
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