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Bros Want to Know: What Porn was Osama Watching?

© AP PhotoAl-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. (File)
Al-Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan. (File) - Sputnik International
The BroBible, an online news source for 20-something bros, wants to know what kind of porn Osama bin Laden was ‘enjoying’ before his death. Unfortunately, the dirty stash is being treated as classified state documents and the CIA won’t let anyone get their hands on it.

It was widely reported after Osama bin Laden was killed by Seal Team Six four years ago, that an huge collection of modern porn was discovered within the compound which was not wired for the Internet. 

It is unclear who the stash belonged to, as 22 people were living there, but the collection — which has been described as “extensive” — has spurred much speculation about what kind of porn, exactly, might bin Laden have preferred in his down time.

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On May 20, documents describing the belongings found in the Pakistan compound were declassified, listing that the former al-Qaeda leader had a very large English language library, including books by Greg Palast, Noam Chomsky and 9/11 conspiracy theorist David Ray Griffin.

BroBible’s David Covucci, though, wasn’t content with knowing what books the former world’s most wanted man was reading. He wanted to know what the terror mastermind was really up to.

“But the United States government isn’t going to let you masturbate like you’re the world’s most wanted man. Because of its ‘nature,’ the government is declining to release what was in OBL’s collection,” Covucci wrote, expressing his anger at the “nanny state” that wouldn’t give up the porn titles along with the book list.

The self proclaimed “King of the Bros” was so dissatisfied with their decision not to release, that he decided to file a Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) request with the CIA on May 26.

The highly professional FOIA request read as follows:

“We at the men’s general interest publication BroBible dot com (one of the nation’s largest websites for men), would like to know what pornographic materials Osama Bin Laden had in his possession at the time of his death.

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We are adults. We can handle it. We would like to know what kind of porn the world’s most wanted man jerked it to. Does being under the constant threat of capture require extra stimulation? I imagine it would be hard for him to focus on his d*ck, so I figure he had to watch some really nasty shit.”

On June 8, Covucci received a response from the CIA, and although the content of the letter was disappointing, the King Bro was still pretty excited. 

“I’ll be damned. I just successfully wasted the time of the world’s most powerful spy agency,” Covucci wrote.

The agency explained that as “operational files,” the porn stash is exempt from “search, review, publication, and disclosure requirements of the FOIA.”  The agency also stated that, “To the extent that this material exists, the CIA would be prohibited by 18 USC Section 1461 from mailing obscene matter.”

The CIA also declined to answer whether the stash was “rull nasty,” as Covucci put it, stating that federal agencies are not required to answer questions posed as FOIA requests.

Looks like we may never know how to masturbate like you’re the world’s most wanted man, but we can be sure the bros out there will keep on trying to get to the bottom of this pressing matter.

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